The Family Jewels

The Family Jewels. The greatest band of the '90's that your aunt, the guy at the gas station, and a few kids in the UK have ever heard.

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The Family Jewels News Page - Older News!

May 2013 News

Saturn Hurricane brings back memories of horrifying TFJ event

Spectacular new images from NASA's Cassini spacecraft orbiting Saturn have captured the most detailed views ever of an enormous hurricane churning around the ringed planet's north pole. 

The stunning new images show that the storm's eye is approximately 1,250 miles wide — about 20x larger than a typical Earth hurricane. And the Saturn maelstrom is more powerful than its Earth counterparts, with winds at its outer edge whipping around at 330 mph.

'We did a double take when we saw this vortex because it looks so much like an untreated growth Miller had on his back,' said bbarry, recalling the moment in the old Big Blue Meenie Studios when a concerned Miller showed the group his cyst in 1995, "It brought back horrifying memories for all of us."

"Dude," said Mikey U, legendary drummer for the band, shaking his head and shivering, "Dude, dude, dude." Some say, when Miller revealed the growth on his shoulder to legendary Mix Engineer/Producer/Garrulous Savant, Tim "Rumblefish" Gilles, Tim nearly cried. 

The Family Jewels Documentary in the works?


With new videos recently discovered in a shoebox, including interviews of the band before a legendary comeback performance, a TFJ documentary has slated for release between 2013 and 2030. Stay tuned.

Directors for the project are currently being scouted as are actors to play re-enactments. 

 Possible candidate to play "The Legend."


The Family Jewels News Page Sucks. Try the Facebook Version! Sucks less than this one!

VIsit us at for all of the news you could ever not really not want!

REVERBNATION has ALL of your TFJ needs!

Looking to download a song, relive a legendary TFJ performance, spank it to bbarry, john, Miller, or Mikey? Visit the band's Reverbnation site at

December 2012 News

NASA's Mars rover Curiosity discovers lost jewel

As NASA's Curiosity took its first test drive, in preparation for longer trips on the red planet, its cameras picked up something incredible. Following the rover's leisurely roll, that consisted of a fifteen foot cruise and 120 degree rotation, this image was captured by Curiosity's navigation camera.

When questioned by NASA on how the record got there, a person close to the band stated, "It must have ended up there after bbarry chucked it at Miller for writing on his face in Tempe, AZ." Other reports have it being propelled into the air following the horrific crash of the Jewel Van in the early 2000s.

After running extensive tests to reconstruct the final moments of the Jewel Van, NASA scientists agree that, based on the rate of spinning, the high speed at which Miller was driving, and the amount of ice on Route 78, this may indeed be a fact.

 Shown here, a lost copy of the clear vinyl 7" "Happy as a Fly" on Mars.



September 2012 News

Rumors circulating about a new project by members of TFJ!

Texts have been made. Facebooks have been facebooked. Tweets have been twatted. A new project involving members of the greatest band of the nineties may be in the works.

Reports have it that members of TFJ have agreed never to record or play live under The Family Jewels name without participation of all 4 members, so this new project will be a completely different entity. Sort of like the band ASIA, but way cooler.

Stay tuned.

February 2012 News

New Inductee to The Family Jewels Stage Performer Hall of Fame Announced!

In a ceremony long overdue, members of the TFJ Stage Performer Hall of Fame Secret Society of People who Induct Other People Into Things have announced this year's class of 2012. 

Joseph Fass, one of the original stage performers whose amazing skills, incredible timing, and lacrosse gear made TFJ's first ever LIVE performance at the 1992 EHS Variety Show legendary. 

Visit the TFJ Stage Performer Hall of Fame page for our tribute to Joe.

The Family Jewels Website Goes Mobile

Got a smart phone? Really? Go fuck yourself. Then take it out and visit on your precious smart phone. You can now take your love for The Family Jewels anywhere you go. Show friends, family, random people on the streets, your cat. Knock yourself out. But first visit our mobile site. Then knock yourself out. 

The Family Jewels Website Updated every 5 months

Fans uninterested, still angry.

2011 News

The Family Jewels Website Updated every 11 months

Fans confused, angry.

The Family Jewels lead singer bbarry and Chris "MC Evil Jesus" Wallach seen playing "Metal Rummy"

Bored out of his mind because of a thorough beating he was taking at the hands of Chris "MC Evil Jesus"Wallach in the octogenarian past-time Rummy, a beleaguered bbarry offered up a way to make the game more interesting. While listening to 80's metal on SiriusXM's Boneyard, he suggested every move made during the card game be lip-sync'd or made in a very metal fashion (eg,air scream, Dio fingers, drumstick behind the head and throw down, when 3 6's were thrown down all praise to Satan.) After 2 hands, the men found it very UN-Metal to continue this way, so the game continued as originally planned.

New Inductee to The Family Jewels Stage Performer Hall of Fame to be Announced 

Long over-looked, a former original stage performer of The Family Jewels will soon be inducted into the least-known Hall of Fame in American History. More news as it develops and when the Webmaster has more time on his hands.

The Family Jewels 20th Anniversary Goes by Unnoticed

As anyone who's anyone knows, The Family Jewels were formed on the night of August 1, 1991 when friends of all shapes and sizes gathered together for beer and music-making. The tapes from that night went on to give the boys a cult following and the rest is history (See Bio page for details). Well, August 1, 2011 came and went. Rumor has it, the 21st Anniversary will pass with the same fanfare. Perhaps rumor will also have a reunion in the works? Rumor only knows.

2010 News

October 2010 News

Jewels Reunion Discussed

During their recent trip to Allentown, PA, old friends and fans alike posed the question to Miller, bbarry, and Mike U: Will the Jewels reunite? Rumor has it the trio expressed great interest in a 1 show farewell, but acknowledged that the entire group wasn't sold on the idea.

Miller's bachelor party a success

Miller, bbarry, and Mike U. reunited as part of a 10 bar tour of insanity. TFJ News was not allowed to join the event, which was rumored to be highlighted by a raucous school bus ride, broken glasses, bullhorn nonsense, and a few unmentionables.

bbarry and Mike U. come home from Queens

After touring tornado-ravaged Kew Garden Hills, drinking lots of beer, and eating Cuban sandwiches and pizza, Mike and bbarry return home from Queens.

September 2010 News

bbarry and Mike U. head to Queens

The spastic, yet debonair, lead singer and courageous, manly, and quiet drummer of The Family Jewels are headed to Queens to reunite with former Rosebush White drummer and satanic rap artist MC Evil Jesus in what many have reported will be an event of epic proportions. "When these guys get together it's like Boom-shaka-laka!" reported Chris Webber of Flushing, "Someone's wallet will definitely be taken." Rumors are afoot as many insiders report that the trio will be making a trip to legendary Big Blue Meenie recording studio. More news as it develops.

Miller to tie the knot

The last of the infamous, continental playboys, Mike Miller, is set to tie the know this October. Women throughout the Tri-state area were devastated to hear the news. Congrats to Mike Miller and hs lovey wife to be! More news after the wedding.

New Stuff coming soon to!!!

Sure. We've said that before. Yadda yadda. However, this time it's for real anus. The TFJ Movie Editing Squad is hard at work putting together future "Banned from the Melody Bar" Videos, The Family Jewels are now featured on Twitter, Reverbnation, and available for sale on Snocap. And, currently, one of the members of the great unknown band of the '90's is seriously porking the crap out of your mother. So straighten your shit out and keep visiting. We're tired of this complaining shit.

Here. To hold you over, we'll re-post the award-winning sketch of Sal....


The Family Jewels - Banned from the Melody Bar Videos Resurface!

The wait is over! Starting this month and continuing throughout the year, the band's infamous performance at the legendary New Brunswick, NJ club, The Melody Bar, will be available song-by-song!

In 1997, The Family Jewels hit Hub City like no other band, bringing their sick live show and incredible sound to the famous Melody Bar. Crazed fans causing a near riot combined with the band's renowned stage performers, shaving cream, apple pie, and porno confetti ultimately led to the band's lifetime ban from the club.

But the legend lives on here. Visit the TFJ Lost Video Page.

First up? TFJ's hit off their second album "Chuck and Louise", the rock-alicious "Boy in the Well."

The Family Jewels Offering a FREE DOWNLOAD on 9/9/09!!!

On the 9th day, of the 9th month, in this, the 9th year of the new millennium, the legendary 1991 song by The Family Jewels, "The Number 9 is Asinine" will be available FREE for Download at the following sites:

Visit early and often to get your nine on!

TFJ Website Updated

TFJ Website updated.

The Family Jewels Twittering Themselves

First Then and Facebook.

Now, The Family Jewels are part of Twitter.

The band has no idea what twitter is, they understand it has to do with something about phones and messaging, so they have decided to conquer this form of useless media as well.

Visit the band on and do what ever it is you do on twitter. Then go play with yourselves!

The Family Jewels - A Reunion?

Rumors are afloat that, after 7 years since their breakup, The Family Jewels are being urged to reunite for a final show.

The quirky quartet spent nearly 10 years on the road, performing all over the Tri-state area and across the United States until

2002 when they parted ways. Fans, friends, and family alike are keen to the idea of a final show, but are the Jewels?

More news as it develops.

Until then, visit the TFJ Web Poll and cast your vote.

The Family Jewels Stage Performer Hall of Fame Announces its 2009 Inductees

17 years in the making, The Family Jewels Stage Performer Hall of Fame has inducted the biggest and best stage performers in the band's history. First inductee, the Legendary Joe Azz, made his debut in the band's very first 1992 stage show and contributed to some of the most hysterical and rivoting moments the band has ever had.

Christopher "MC Evil Jesus" Wallach clicked with the band's sick sense of humor, bringing his flair and energy to every TFJ live show. Geoff Rickley, of Thursday fame, was, at the time, a High School student but his performaces were unmatched. A famous Rickley quote after a show in the middle of rural Pennsylvania: "Dude, we need to find a backdoor or something. These guys are gonna kill us." 

Paul Campos, a high school friend and spectacular TFJ pimp, handed out Family Jewel money during a show and electrified the crowd with his flamboyant pimp style. And finally, Joe Darone of the FIENDZ and Suit of Lights shocked the crowd at the legendary TFJ Melody Bar show, by whipping fellow stage performers dressed only in a black electrical tape and a creepy transparent mask. The show would be the band's final New Brunswick show, due to the amount of pornoconfetti, shaving cream, apple pie, crowd antics, and overall mayhem.

All men contributed to the greatness of the TFJ Live Show and we thank them very much for their dedication.

bbarry pretends he's in a club when people call

Always in a hurry somewhere, bbarry, the legendary crooner of The Family Jewels, has resorted to pretending he is in a club when people call. "Whenever I call him, I know he's in the car and the bastard finds the first dance music channel and blasts it before picking up," said a person close to the singer, "Then he'll tell me he's in a club and to hold on. Then he lowers his radio and tells me he ducked into the bathroom."  Calls to the singer were virtually impossible to make, as he couldn't find a quiet enough bathroom or coatroom to duck into that would drown out a rave re-mix of Marc Anthony's "I need to know."

Barry Braxton Sends Record 2,459th Facebook Request

Barry Braxton of Lazarus Effect and Ajax Beatphreaker fame, was home Tuesday night at 3am and sent a "What color crayon are you?" Facebook application to many of his fellow facebookers, setting a record for the most Facebook requests sent by an individual in the history of the online community.

Attempts to break his own record will be carried out tonight as he continues to recruit members for Facebook Mafia Wars and send requests for membership in his several groups, including the "These are the Worst Pancakes I've ever tasted" Group and the "How to fake a British Accent" Group.

BREAKING NEWS: A weary facebook friend has reported that Barry has sent her the "I'm Rufus Wainwright, which Canadian-American singer-songwriter are you? Quiz." TFJ News will continue to cover this story as it develops. Stay Tuned.

Mikey Blows a Load

Mike, the quiet Keith Moon of The Family Jewels, quietly and secretly blew a load the other night. No one knows how, when, or with who he blew this load, but sources not so close to the TFJ skin slapper say this is only natural. A neighbor nearest to the event was quoted in saying, "He's quiet. Doesn't say much, so it doesn't surprise me that the load he blew was relatively silent." A few teenagers were outside his apartment having a few cigarettes when they heard a subtle commotion. "Something like 'Fawkin' aw!' or some shit," said one of the teens, "I was like what the hell was that?" The group thought it might have been a cat at the time, but when told it may have been a load being blown most were a bit perturbed. More news as it comes.

Sketch of Sal sent to police precincts throughout the NY Metro Area

Mikey and bbarry reunite and record a song!

Shortly after the new year, Mikey and bbarry travelled to the Queens studio of the legenday MC Evil Jesus, Christopher Wallach, where they recorded a remix/parody of the legendary David Grusin classic, "The Theme to Good Times." The song is in the mastering stage is set to be released by Fred's Crack Records this coming year to a very select audience. Sources close to the duo claim it's a hysterical return to the Jewel humor rock that launched the band in the early nineties.

Miller Getting Hitched?

Sources close to the manly TFJ Keyboardist have told TFJ News that he may be getting married in the near future. Shortly after the rumor broke, throngs of women poured into the street crying, but authorities call this a coincidence - the melee was due to a gas leak at a local nail salon. More news as it develops and many congrats to Mike.  

bbarry invents the term "Twat goggles"

Upon receiving a request from John to trade items such as a Renaissance painting in the Facebook application "Mafia Wars," bbarry replied that he wasn't aware that trading was an option with the popular application. He then offered a counter trade which included an "Ivory strap-on, 2 pairs of "twat goggles," and a pair of brass "Foot-knuckles."